How to make Eddie Izzard jealous …

Episode 9

The rushing sound in my ears sounds like an express train, but I barely notice it. I’m still transfixed by the blond figure tottering across the stage, from left to right and back again, illuminated by a blazing spotlight; swimming in my vision like the bright dots before a migraine. My brain is struggling to comprehend that this seemingly svelte-figured woman is actually the sex god who makes my lady parts tingle. I mean, I’m not into women – not at all … and if I were, I don’t think I’d be into blondes … although I’m slightly envious of […]

Where the hell is Gok Wan when you need him?!

bar sign from google images

Most of Christmas Day has passed by in the blink of my meticulously made-up eye. I’ve broken the news to my parents that Dick and I splitting isn’t the catastrophe it initially appeared to be, that I’m better off out of a marriage that was stifling in its one-way selfishness, and managed to convince my mother that it’s not worth staying in a marriage of convenience, no matter what my bank statements say. That, and the lack of sleep last night, resulted in me flopping on the sofa for a small nap. A napette, if you will. A napette that […]

‘Tis the Season to be … ???

episode 7 graphic copy

I look around at the building formerly known as my home, now flagged as a disaster zone. Bottles and soft furnishings are strewn all over the downstairs rooms, whereas clothes and bodies are strewn across the beds and floors upstairs. It’s a little after six in the morning and all I can think of is a) how unfortunate it would be if Dick decided to grow a pair and fight for our marriage by turning up now to attempt to talk me round, and b) how can I possibly be sober after drinking through the night, emptying Dick’s wine cellar […]

Merry Christmas, Everybody!!!

episode 6 graphic

It’s the eve before Christmas Eve … I suppose it could be called Christmas Eve Eve. Or the day of reckoning, or Doomsday. Simply put, it’s the day Dick is coming ‘home’  – his flight was delayed, otherwise he’d have arrived a couple of hours ago. It had irked me that he still called my home his home. Okay, so he doesn’t know that I’ve kicked him out yet. I didn’t think it was fair to drop the bombshell that our marriage is over, over the phone. Yes, I’m a charitable soul. Or a mug. Yes, he doesn’t deserve me being so […]

You Took The Words Right Outta My Mouth

Episode 5 graphic

Oh yes. Oh … oh … yes! Mmmmm. Yes. Ahhhhh, oh yes! Thankfully, these responses are inside my head because my filter, for once, is firmly engaged, stopping them from spewing out of my mouth. Sax is kissing my neck as his strong hands caress me through my thin silk blouse. His lips slide up to my ear, making me shiver with anticipation as I turn my head to give him better access. I feel his mouth curve into a smile as it bestows feather-light kisses along my jaw. He pulls back and regards me with eyes full of yearning, full […]

Sax Appeal

Bella_episode 4 copy

I’m almost quaking in my books when Sax drapes his arm around me and introduces me to his lively group of friends. I can do this, I tell myself. I can socialise with new people. I can mingle with twenty-somethings without making myself look or feel old. And I can do it without embarrassing myself – after all, this is nothing compared with being the hostess with the mostest where every minor detail of a formal dinner has to be utter perfection. Where the slightest faux pas could mean a tumbling in the rankings of Dick’s business and social standing and […]

Upon reflection …

bar sign from google images

Continued … Mr Notmeltingmypants holds out his hand. “Hi Bella. I’m Saxon but you can call me Sax,” he says in a voice that could melt steel and breaks into a smile that a) looks genuine and b) could melt even the hardest resolution. I take his hand and shake it firmly. Sax … an unusual name but it suits him. Short of calling him sex, I can’t think of anything better. “Miles here says you and Shania might be kind enough to look after me today,” he says in that seductively smooth yet dangerously deep tone as he holds […]

Is Bella Sax Obsessed?

Episode 2 - Sax copy

I’ve never been so glad to get off a train in all my life – even if it looks like it’s about to pee it down. I actually thought I was going to be sick back there. I’m suffering from the worst hangover this decade has seen and, as if being rocked and jolted every thirty seconds when the train stopped and started isn’t bad enough, some dozy mare in my carriage decided to paint her nails. I spent the entire journey, from Chester to Liverpool, glaring at her – as did the whole carriage, but she was either completely […]

Meet Bella

blog featured image template copy

NEWSFLASH! All men are fucktards!! I apologise for interrupting your evening with this news but I feel that some sorta sister solidarity is needed here … or some such shit. Why did nobody warn me? Why did nobody sit me down – the night before my wedding would have been useful – hell, two minutes before the ceremony would have done – and tell me that, sooner or later, all men shit on their significant others from a great height? And don’t think that just because your relationship is perfect right now that it won’t happen to you. My marriage […]