How to make Eddie Izzard jealous …

The rushing sound in my ears sounds like an express train, but I barely notice it. I’m still transfixed by the blond figure tottering across the stage, from left to right and back again, illuminated by a blazing spotlight; swimming in my vision like the bright dots before a migraine. My brain is struggling to comprehend that this seemingly svelte-figured woman is actually the sex god who makes my lady parts tingle. I mean, I’m not into women – not at all … and if I were, I don’t think I’d be into blondes … although I’m slightly envious of […]

Episode 9

Where the hell is Gok Wan when you need him?!

Most of Christmas Day has passed by in the blink of my meticulously made-up eye. I’ve broken the news to my parents that Dick and I splitting isn’t the catastrophe it initially appeared to be, that I’m better off out of a marriage that was stifling in its one-way selfishness, and managed to convince my mother that it’s not worth staying in a marriage of convenience, no matter what my bank statements say. That, and the lack of sleep last night, resulted in me flopping on the sofa for a small nap. A napette, if you will. A napette that […]

bar sign from google images

‘Tis the Season to be … ???

I look around at the building formerly known as my home, now flagged as a disaster zone. Bottles and soft furnishings are strewn all over the downstairs rooms, whereas clothes and bodies are strewn across the beds and floors upstairs. It’s a little after six in the morning and all I can think of is a) how unfortunate it would be if Dick decided to grow a pair and fight for our marriage by turning up now to attempt to talk me round, and b) how can I possibly be sober after drinking through the night, emptying Dick’s wine cellar […]

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